It was as if I just stepped off a farm in Omaha (no offense...are there even farms in omaha?) and decided today, two minutes before my audition that I wanted to be an actress.
What happened in there?? That's all my brain could ask as I walked out the door and got in my car. It was an out of body experience. Now, I know many other actors have experienced the ultimate, 'I nailed that audition! Bam! I was so freaking prepared, there's no way I didnt get that part!' and I'm sure many have experienced the, 'Eh, I could've done better.' But please, please, please, tell me I'm not the only one that just experienced:
Camera Op: 'Please slate your name.'
Me: 'Hi, I'm Colleen Irene Boag, I'm about to be your worst auditioning nightmare.'
Camera Op: 'Have you ever used our product before.'
Me: 'Hell no! Thank God! I hope I never have to!'
Camera Op: 'Ok...great. Go ahead when you're ready.'
(Inner monologue) Ok...say the lines, get them right, no, that's not the line, oh shoot, i'm just reading right of the paper, crap, I'm supposed to be holding a cat?!?!?! Should I mime it? Sure, why the hell not! Let's bend out of frame and pick up an imaginary cat and pretend to be petting it with my eyes completely down and not even a quick look up so the camera can see how they sparkle! Great! F-ed up that line, who cares, two more lines, just keep going, my eyes are darting everywhere, why are my eyes darting everywhere, do not apologize for sucking even though this is the most suck I've ever felt in an audition room, oh dear Lord, I should've just stayed in bed this morning and not...I'm done.
'Uh...thank you! Have a good day!'
I walked out of that building as fast as I possibly could and wanted to just run and hide under the biggest rock I could find. Ok. Time to dive back into commercial class. That was an ultimate train wreck.
(disclaimer: i didn't actually cry after the audition...
i'm just actually a good actress, believe it or not)
Here's hoping that auditions are like life...when you've hit rock bottom, there's no way to go but up. On to the next! Oy.